The Hammer of Thor

I started writing a new set of lyrics today.  I’m hoping they will take place of the ones I had started to write for the new song Hunter (my guitarist) and I are working on, the one that was originally about not having a topic to write about.

Well, I found a topic.  I’m going to be transparent and speak plainly on this.  I’ve gotten to a point where as I do some examination of self, I am really, sincerely unhappy and disappointed with what I see.  It’s not simply a superficial thing, either.  It covers all the pillars of who I am: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.  I am happy with myself in none of those areas.  Physically, I’ve never been in good shape, and I’ve kind of come to accept that I probably never will be.  Every time I make an attempt to build an exercise regiment, I end up injured, costing my parents thousands of dollars in medical bills since I’m on their insurance until I find a real job.  I have had two knee surgeries, a major shoulder reconstruction, and my other shoulder could use one too but needless to say I’m not chomping at the bit on that opportunity.  Now I’ve been plagued with bad skin on my feet with several causes that has made walking painful.  I’ve gotten used to dealing with constant dull pain my entire life (as I write this post, my repaired shoulder is aching considerably), but sharp pains still smart pretty bad.  When I get stressed, I harbor tension behind one of my shoulder blades (today my left, which coupled with my shoulder pain feels just awesome.)  My joints simply can not handle my 320ish pounds of weight, and when I try to work out to ease their burden, they give way and I get hurt.  It’s lose-lose.  It’s exceedingly frustrating.  I really want a brand new body.  Seriously.  I’m so sick of this one.  I feel like I got a lemon.  Heaven can’t come soon enough.   Oh.  And I’m colorblind.  I swear my body is just generally broken.

I let my emotions get the best of me all the time even though I swear otherwise.  I have a very difficult time staying positive about things in general, and I consistently find myself leaning towards the cynical.  While cynicism is a good strategy for acting like I don’t let it get to me, it’s also depressing at the same time.  While I have a fairly good handle on my mind, my heart seemingly runs amok.  I lie to myself that I can keep it reined in, but it’s becoming exceedingly clear how untrue that is.  I have no heart-control.  I find myself making rash decisions based on emotion and not on thought; it’s something I’ve personally spoken out against and claimed immunity from.  I also get into doomsday mode real quick when my emotions go that direction.  I just found out I probably can’t defer either of my two biggest student loans, putting my monthly payment at ~$550/mo.  Add in rent, bills, gas, and food, and I’ll barely be able to make ends meet, if at all.  Naturally, I feel like I’m handcuffed to a boulder being dropped into the ocean, and the huge weight of these loans is impossible to get out from under.  I enter a state of despair.  It’s all over, my financial future is ruined, my life is ruined, my parents’ financial future is ruined because they’re cosigners on my loans.  Every time I job search, I get depressed at the lack of entry level jobs that I’m qualified for.  I spend hours upon hours combing job boards and I’m lucky if I come up with one possible job.  It’s exasperating and frustrating, and it gets me down.  I wish I could have the ability to control my emotions and keep them in check when it hits the fan.  But I don’t have control.

My mental incompetence has become glaringly evident to me lately as well.  I honestly think my IQ has decreased consistently since I was younger.  My common sense fails, I make stupid easy decisions, I don’t have the answers for any problems I encounter.  It’s also become increasingly evident that I SUCK at communication.  I thought I was “supposed” to be intelligent because I’m a physics major.  Yeah, well, I’ll put those rumors to rest.  To say I struggled through my curriculum as a physics major is a HUGE understatement.  To this day, I can’t even say I understood 60% of what I “learned” at Bethel.  So then I look at my credentials and consider what kind of responsibility I’d be given in a position that would provide adequately for my financial needs, I realize how unqualified I am for the jobs I’m looking for.  It’s no surprise I haven’t been hired yet, or really even been given any interviews.  Somehow, they know I can’t do it.  When it comes to song writing, I get frustrated when I listen to bands I love and hear how creative they are and how much better they are at making music than I am.  It’s so frustrating, and it makes me want to just give up for the day, which is usually what happens.  My inspiration is gone.  My creativity is gone.  Everything is a result of forcing myself to do it, not drawing from true creativity or inspiration.  I feel like my brain is an old computer with components that are slowly burning out one-by-one.

In fact, this is a good comparison.  I feel like my self, my body, who I am, is a machine that is falling apart and breaking down.  It’s deteriorating.  Dying.  And then I look to the ghost in the machine.  The soul.  My spiritual life has never been strong.  If I had to describe it, I would put it like TREOS did in “Wanderers”:  “I’ve learned to smolder, all smoke but no flame.”  I’ve been in a spiritual rut for years upon years, and I haven’t figured out how to climb out of it.  I’ve prayed about it, as well as you can pray when your spiritual life is cold and lifeless.  I’ve turned to others asking how to get out of it, but what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for all.  I’ve even turned to a pastor.

My life has ground to a sickening halt.  I’ve found myself in a middle class rut.  A ravine with steep walls and no footholds, and I can’t figure out how to get out of it.  Hopefully this is just a season of my life, because I’ve been waiting years for the time when I’ll be happy with my life and myself.  I think I’m not supposed to be happy; at least that’s not the point of life, obviously.  But it surprises me how generally unhappy I’ve been throughout my life.  It’s like I’ve been waiting for some good thing, I’m not sure what, for a long time and it hasn’t arrived.  I feel like my life is waiting to begin, because these 23 years so far are NOTHING to write home about.  They haven’t amounted to much.  If I die tomorrow and at the pearly gates am asked “this was your life, what do you have to show for it?” I really wouldn’t have anything.  All I could say is that I was raised to mostly follow the rules, as far as following rules in which I could get caught for breaking them.  There’s plenty of rules I’ve broken out of the public eye.  So there’s nothing.   What do I have to show for my life?

I don’t have an answer.  I don’t have any answers.  I have a list of Sunday-school answers that I don’t know how to implement, such as “oh, well you just have to pray about it” and “oh, you just need to do it.  Don’t try to do it, trying is having the intention to fail.  Just do it!” (Nike, or something).  All I know is that I’m aware I have a problem.  I admit that I have a problem.  Isn’t that the first step to some program?  So I have a massive problem with no solution.  And the problem is all that there is.  It is life.  Can you comprehend how frustrating that is for someone who studied science and wants to solve problems?

I think this might have shifted from self-deprecation to self-abasement.

I want to start life over.  I feel like I’ve messed this one up beyond repair.  The problem is, in life, there are no restarts.  You can’t start over again.

I fear this rut is endless.  This is reality.  This is the rest of my life.

The new lyrics are tentatively titled “Denuo” which is Latin for “anew” because I want to start over, to be remade anew.

“Take me back to where I was before I was born… it’s like sweet and dreamless sleep.  It sounds like heaven to me…”
Timothy – As Cities Burn