Memphis May Fire - The Hollow

Album: The Hollow
Band: Memphis May Fire
Label: Rise Records

Review:

Memphis May Fire has flown under the radar for far too long.  They caught my attention when my former housemate told me to check out their debut full-length album Sleepwalking.  I was drawn in to their southern seasoned brand of hardcore that they mixed tastefully with clean vocals and infectious melodies.  I thoroughly enjoyed their melodic sensibilities and the fury they could load into their breakdowns.  Sleepwalking became one of my favorite albums.

News came shortly after they released their Between the Lies EP that they had signed to Rise Records, which led many to assume they would be sure to assimilate into the cut-and-dry, expansive, and increasingly unoriginal genre some are calling “chug-chug-core” that is inundating Rise at the moment.  I firmly held to the belief that they would manage to keep a unique sound even under the influence of the conformity present in Rise at the moment.  MMF released a preview of their Rise-debut album The Hollow, and while I could see how other people could accuse them of “selling out” or “conforming” because they lost their signature southern sound, people need to listen more in depth and not dismiss them at face-value.

The band released the first single/first track of the album entitled “The Sinner” and I immediately knew they were on to something.  In one fell swoop, vocalist Matty Mullins usurped the top spot in the hardcore vocalist genre, and what really sets him apart is his versatility.  His clean vocals rival the likes of the now-defunct Jonny Craig while his screams pack in an extreme sense of urgency, fervor, and emotion ranging from pure unabridged anger to pleading desperation.  I originally thought the clean and screaming vocals were done by two different people, but now that I know Mullins does both, my respect for him has grown exponentially.  Beyond the impeccable vocals, the instrumentation shines as well, and not just the guitars, drums, and bass.  Yes, the guitar tone is nearly perfect, and the chugging breakdowns synchronize perfectly across the board in as good and tight of production I’ve heard in a while, what piqued my interest and sets MMF apart in a crowded genre is how they use the instrumentation beyond the core instruments.  The orchestration is exceptional, with strings, synths, piano, tubular bells, glockenspiels, electronic and glitch drums, and thick pads and luscious choirs filling out the sound beautifully.  I imagine fans of Woe, Is Me would find a lot to like in The Hollow, but that isn’t to say the bands are carbon copies of each other.  Far from it.

There are several standout track on this album.  The first truly standout track for me is “The Abandoned.”  The use of organ at the beginning of the track is extremely clever, and the subsequent chugs layered over the arpeggiating guitar and fervent screams leads into an addictive chorus that ranks among the best on the album.  Mullins belts out an addictive melody before the song reverts to the breakdowns and arpeggios again.  Front to back, the song is one of the strongest on the album.

“The Burden” is an interlude, but it’s a proper interlude.  A lot of people will probably pass over it, which is a shame.  Most interludes you’ll find these days are a minute and a half, maybe two minutes tops.  This track is a full-featured 3:17.  It showcases exceptional programming abilities and tasteful, haunting piano.  The background of the track sounds like a recorded fight between a couple, and the random explosions of emotion you can make out actually add to the track, with numerous shouts of “I DON’T CARE!” and pleas of “I’m doing the best I can, what do you want from me?”  It gives an emotional charge, which is amplified by the somber instrumental track.  The orchestration shines here again, with full strings and choir layered over the electronics to finish a lush canvas of sound.  As someone who thoroughly enjoyed “Vaulted Ceilings” from their last EP, I found a lot to like in this track too.

The last three tracks are all home runs.  ”The Haunted” tells a story of betrayal and pain caused in a vindictive relationship where Mullins expresses his regret for ever giving the other person the time of day, hoping he can forget everything about the mistakes that were made.  The song features one of the best breakdowns on the album, which hits after an energetic build into a “bombs away” synth track.  Mullins roars “I SAW RIGHT THROUGH YOU! YOUR INTENTIONS WERE POISON!”  I get goosebumps every time it hits.

“The Reality” shines in its instrumentation again.  It is one of the more hard rock-leaning songs on the album, and some traditional MMF lead-lines come through in the guitars.  There are certainly heavy sections as well, complete with bass-bombs that are ever so prevalent throughout the album, but I’m most addicted to the guitars and orchestral and choir backing present in the instrumental section around 4:14.  The sound is so thick and full.

“The Redeemed” is appropriately the most hopeful track on the album, and it makes sense that it’s the closer as it wraps everything together nicely.  Another feature about it that I am fond of: it’s 6:32 long.  I like the fact that the shortest track you find on the album is the aforementioned 3:17 in the interlude, and the album average is over four minutes.  MMF doesn’t rush their execution, as so many bands seem to these days, capping their songs at 3:30 and often holding them under three minutes.  Mullins reminds that “these bones are only temporary” and that “you’re on your own but not alone.  You’ll never be alone.”  The bridge that leads to the outro is another moment that rises on this album, with exceptional harmonies and layering in the vocals.  It is a great finisher for a spectacular album.

The album features track after track of high-energy expositions laden with passion, anger, honesty, regret, exasperation, and ultimately hope.  It is one of the most volatile, vicious, yet overwhelmingly spiritual albums I have ever heard.  Memphis May Fire is not afraid to sing about mistakes, loss of hope, desire for revenge, words of warning, and ultimately the faith they have in Jesus Christ that holds everything together in a world where things seem made to fall apart.  There is so much earnest emotion filling each track that you could never suggest they’re faking it.  I have to say, I wasn’t sure they would dethrone Emery’s We Do What We Want for album of the year 2011, but they’ve taken the throne with authority.  The Hollow is a grand slam and will hopefully solidify Memphis May Fire as one of the unique, original elite in a crowded, overdone, tiring genre.

The Verdict:

6 out of 5 stars

I haven’t given this obnoxious of rating since Emery’s …In Shallow Seas We Sail, but I insist that this album deserves the superfluous star.  It is seriously near perfect and I pity anyone who doesn’t give it a listen and a purchase.

I never expected them to be so correct…

Upon purchasing it and pressing play I was heartbroken.  You see, this track has Devin singing on it.  And it’s arguable the best Emery song I’ve ever heard.  It made me wonder how much better WDWWW would have been had Devin still been a part of it.

Go, now, to AmazonMP3 and purchase the deluxe edition now.  Right. Now.

Here are the lyrics for “Crumbling” as far as I can make them out:

I fell in love with the world (she gave me life)
everything that I deserve (I had)
All that I wanted and more, right in my hands
(Some things just never last)
She ran away with the sun (I guess)
The moon and the stars must have followed along
Cuz I’m here in the cold and the dark until she returns
(I lie because the truth really hurts)

Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight
Oh, and I’m not sure if we can survive
Oh, you left me here with nothing at all
With my back against the wall

The crooks and the priests they all gather around
They tie up my hands but they won’t hear me out
No I’m not the one, I’m not the one to blame
(They will murder me just the same)
She hung her promises, I took the bait
She sold us out just for fortune and fame
No she’s not the one, she’s not the one to save
(We’re the fools that fell into her game)

Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight
Oh, and I’m not sure if we can survive
Oh, you left me here with nothing at all
With my back against the wall
Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight
Oh, and I’m not sure if we can survive
Oh, you left me here with nothing at all
With my back against the wall

So is this what it takes to separate the craving from the purpose?
Measured by success and not the motives of the heart
And we are crushed beneath the weight of all
the pressure that is put on our shoulders but
We could be honest, confess our weakness
Give up our innocence for the blame
We could be saved…

Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight
Oh, and I’m not sure if we can survive
Oh, you left me here with nothing at all
With my back against the wall
Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight
Oh, and I’m not sure if we can survive
Oh, you left me here with nothing at all
With my back against the wall

=====================================

Stunning.  Simply stunning.

Emery - We Do What We Want

Album: We Do What We Want
Band: Emery
Label: Tooth & Nail/SolidState

Review:

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried in the slightest when Seattle-based post-hardcore outfit Emery announced that their two-headed vocal monster was being pared down following the departure of former lead singer/guitarist/bassist Devin Shelton.  If I’m honest, it put me at great unease.  One of the things that originally drew me to Emery (and The Receiving End of Sirens for that matter) was the lead-singer-by-committee approach.  As far as I’m concerned, if a band has vocal depth two or three members deep, they should utilize it, and Emery and TREOS always had.  But then TREOS broke up and broke my heart.  And now word had it Devin was leaving Emery on an “indefinite hiatus.”  My heart sunk.  I didn’t know what would happen.  Toby Morelle has always been a very competent vocalist, but his raw passion and edge were always wonderfully balanced out by Devin’s velvety vocals, and I wasn’t sure how their music would be affected.

I’ve been a huge fan of Emery for a good seven years, since their explosive debut The Weak’s End.  Heck, my band, The Poor and the Prevalent, is named after an Emery song.  I watched Emery transition with minor lineup changes into something a little more mainstream friendly when they debuted 2006′s The Question, which was a little more traditional in song structure and a generally more approachable album, yet remained Emery through and through.  I listened as they transitioned toward something a little more rock-and-roll with their third release I’m Only A Man, which I thoroughly enjoyed although most Emery fans consider it the band’s weakest album.  In 2008 and 2009 I witnessed them take a witch’s brew of all the best parts of each of their first three CDs and forge it into what I consider their strongest EP/CD duo to date, When Broken Hearts Prevail and …In Shallow Seas We Sail. If you’ve read my blog in the past you might remember the dazzling review I gave ISSWS.  Then this year, news came about their recording a new album and how it was going to be their “heaviest album yet” and I smiled with excitement.  They revealed the above album art, which I’m sure will upturn a few eyebrows.  They said the art as a dual meaning: they, as a band, do what they want musically (I assume they’re talking about the heavier turn), and secondly, how we do what we want in life; we become the gods of our worlds, which is scary.  Midway through advertising the release, they announced they had signed on with Tooth & Nail’s sister label, metalcore/hardcore heavy SolidState, and would release the album through both labels, reaching a greater audience.  They didn’t announce Devin’s departure until the album was already done recording, so no one really knew if he’d be on the new album.  I hoped and prayed he was.  Sadly, he wasn’t…

And then they unveiled “The Cheval Glass”…

When the song started, I almost did a double take.  This is EMERY?  It had been awhile since I had heard Toby scream this much.  And then partway through the intro he screams the words “REPETITION!” in what could be an homage to Zao.  The scalding screams caught me by surprise, and through the intro I hoped the band wasn’t slipping into the hardcore abyss that is so oversaturated with recycled drivel these days.  My fears were soon put to rest when the verse came in and it was traditional Emery again.  Sure, they were significantly heavier than they used to be, but it was definitely still Emery.

The second track on the album, entitled “Scissors,” kicks off in a flurry of double pedal kick, dissonant guitars, and more screams from Morelle.  The verse kicks in and again it’s back to good old Emery, albeit with a heavier undertone and intermittent breakdowns.  Guitarist Matt Carter shows off some fine technical playing after Morelle warns “and here comes the breakdown…”  The guitar work throughout the song is superb and sets the mood.  What really amazed me is how much of The Weak’s End I could hear in the guitars and synths, a pattern surprisingly evident in the rest of the album.  The outro of the song reminds me of the band’s cover of “I Need A Hero” from the Punk Goes ’80s compilation album.

“The Anchors” kicks off as the third track and gets shifty with the beat as the band switches back and forth between a 4/4 and 6/8 feel.  The most evident thing missing from old Emery is simultaneous dual vocal lines which occasionally show up when Toby overdubs himself.  It does the trick, but I miss Shelton’s contrasting voice.  The breakdown comes a little before halfway through the song, laden with double-pedal and an interesting amount of attention to the bell of the ride cymbal, which I found unique and entertaining.  The bridge hits and breaks it down in a way that feels very Weak’s End, before Toby’s vocoded vocals come in and hypnotize the listener.  The song reverts back to the chorus and ends tastefully.

The fourth track, “The Curse of Perfect Days,” I have written about before.  But that edition was a radio-ready version (i.e. no screaming).  The album version starts out quietly before jumping back into the fracas.  The screaming brings more edge and energy to the song than was evident before.  I find something about the mood of this song to be profoundly sad, and at a recent concert I attended, Morelle shared that he wrote this song after having recurring dreams about the death of his wife.  It’s amazing, Emery’s ability to fuse what sounds like such upbeat music with such a somber feel.  I’d almost say it’s one of the saddest happy songs I’ve heard… or happiest sad songs.  It’s something they’ve done in the past that they have a knack for: coupling biting or maudlin lyrics with peppy, major, upbeat music.

“You Wanted It” is far and away my favorite song on the album.  When they played it live, I was taken aback at the start of the song.  It was almost vicious!  That level of energy isn’t quite captured on the album, as expected, but the beginning certainly packs a punch.  The singing that starts after the screams is quintessential Emery again, and I can hear it being even better if it had been Devin trading the call-and-response with Toby.  The music cuts out into a compressed drum and bass section with reverbed vocals leading into a short breakdown that could have been lifted right out of I’m Only A Man. The chorus has, in my opinion, the catchiest melody on the album, paired with an infectiously addictive synth line that sticks stubbornly in my head all day.  More IOAM influence comes at the end of the second verse, when we hear Toby let loose on the vocals, passionately crying “you’re hurt because it wasn’t about you” that seethes with frustration and exasperation.  The song almost feels like a surrender, giving someone what they insist of having, even though you know it’s bad for them, and it’s somehow evident not only in the lyrics, but in the music itself.  The instruments carry such sorrow while masquerading as being uplifting.  The waltz in the bridge is one of the few sections that feature the dual-vocal parts and does it exceptionally well.  The bass and the vocals help build the tension which yields to Toby yelling, in very I’m Only A Man fashion, “I was washed in the blood, I was born of a spirit, but I drowned…” which explodes in a searing breakdown that leads to the final chorus and the song ends strong.

The sixth track, “I’m Not Here For Rage, I’m Here For Revenge (Not Your Hook Up)” [that's a mouthful] portrays a wonderful dichotomy between heavy and light.  The intro is as heavy a moment as you’ll find on the album, but it abruptly fades into airy guitar, and another dual-vocal part is built on synchronized guitar/double kick pedal that is as tightly produced as can be.  Speaking of produced, guitarist Matt Carter did most of the producing on this album, and I must say it sounds like he’s going to be a big name in the industry very soon.  The rest of the song carries on in familiar fashion, quite reminiscent to ISSWS paired with TWE.  The bridge comes in and it sounds quite different from a lot of the stuff Emery’s done in the past.  The outro features a fantastic guitar solo by Carter, who flexes some chops in harmonized parts.

“Daddy’s Little Peach” is a peculiar track.  It’s very different from the rest of the album.  Borrowing a drumbeat from The Classic Crime’s latest album, and mixing it with scratchy electric piano and meandering vocals, the track is fairly minimalistic until the chorus.  When it hits, heated guitars mix with sawtoothed synths and the band flip-flops between heavy and soft as Morelle complains “when will I be old enough to do as I please?”  The lyrics of the song are very pointed and biting, calling out a girl who’s using all the tricks and living dangerously.  The bridge section reminds me of I’m Only A Man again.  The song almost seems to be mocking, as Morelle sings “and all of it just to sit with some wannabes and counterfeits, how respectable… how respectable…”  He then suggests “let’s turn the lights on” and reveal her for what she really is, reacting with a vicious scream, which gets the point across rather well.

“Addicted to Bad Decisions” has a feel reminiscent of “The Terrible Secret” from The Question mixed with a When Broken Hearts Prevail… influence.  It’s very uptempo, with rapidly sung lyrics.  The song never really slows down, although the band uses switches to 6/8 to give the feel of it drawing out.  The song keeps jumping from one part to the next; there’s very little downtime.  The song has a frantic, desperate feel to it and never really lets up until the abrupt conclusion.

The last two tracks are so starkly different from the thunderous first eight in that they’re acoustic, reflective tracks.  ”I Never Got to See the West Coast” tells the story of a kid contemplating suicide.  It’s hauntingly sorrowful, diligently honest, and more clever than it might sound at first listen.  Anyone who has struggled with depression or suicidal thoughts will probably be affected by this track and be able to relate on a deep level.  There is redemption near the end of the song as Morelle sings relating to the individual: “but it’s the life I dreamed I’d have, the love I’d find in my grasp, the words I could share with someone… those thoughts keep the breath in my lungs, that tomorrow my hope will become fulfilled by Your love that can’t be undone, and save a wretch like me…” and shares that he feels the same way at times, but that one day they should go see the west coast.  It’s a pretty uplifting ending to a melancholy track.

“Fix Me” closes the album as what could almost be a worship song.  Morelle cries out for Jesus to “fix me, can you fix me?  I’ve been waiting so long to feel this heartbeat…”  The song is clever in contrast to the other tracks that felt so upbeat but were actually quite somber, because it feels so sad but has this uplifting, positive hope in it.  It’s a good note to end the album on.

Overall, the album is as advertised: it is definitely Emery’s heaviest release to date.  But it does not suffer from this, as some would think.  It uses the heavy-light dichotomy deftly and maintains the Emery pedigree, even though one half of the vocal-monster is missing.  The album is laced with passion, blunt and honest lyrics, infectious melodies, and blazing breakdowns.  I do feel like it would have been made even better with Devin still a part of the band, but I don’t feel like his absence hurt the band at all.  What I mean is that there wasn’t any real drop-off with Devin leaving, but I think the album would have been the best they’ve done had Devin still been in the lineup.  That isn’t to say I don’t love the album.  I truly do.  I’m extremely impressed with what they’ve pulled off, gradually going from a sextet to a quartet, while losing one of their lead vocalists and writers, and maintaining their sound’s integrity.  It isn’t an easy feat and they deserve recognition for it.  For now, I still think …In Shallow Seas We Sail is the best album Emery has done (heck I have it 6 out of 5 stars…), but We Do What We Want is certainly one of the band’s stronger releases, and I believe it deserves each star I’ve awarded it.

Verdict:
5 out of 5 stars

Buy it when it comes out this Tuesday, March 29th.  I’ll be anxiously awaiting my pre-order bundle in the mail.  Check out the band’s website, Facebook, and MySpace pages for more!

EDIT: I just downloaded the bonus track “Crumbling” from the deluxe edition of We Do What We Want.  It still has Devin on it, and it absolutely blows my mind.  Makes me more than a little sad that he isn’t on the rest of the album, because it is just that good!

Slow-Carb Diet

I’m starting my sixth week on Timothy Ferriss’s Slow-Carb Diet.  His claim was that with this diet, you can lose 20 pounds in three weeks without exercise.  Bold claim.  But I’ll let the numbers speak for themselves.  When I started the diet, I was 320 lbs.  At the end of the third week I was down to 300lbs., and eventually got myself under 300 lbs. for the first time in probably three or four years.  Sundays are quickly become my favorite days of the week.  I love cheat day.  Eating tabooed foods in excess one day a week is marvelous, but it usually leaves my stomach very angry.  For the last four or five Sundays some of my church friends and I have been going to Shamrock’s Grill & Pub, which makes what is definitely the best burger I’ve ever had.  So that’s been nice to look forward to.  I usually gain about 5 lbs. every cheat day, but it comes off by midweek and then the weight loss continues.  I’ve gotten a lot of comments that I look trimmer.  I feel it in my pants, as I’ve tightened my belt two notches since starting the diet.  I don’t really see the change when I look in the mirror, but that’s probably because it’s been gradual.

M’Cheyne Bible Reading Plan

I’m staying up to speed with my M’Cheyne read-the-Bible-in-a-year plan.  It’s been thoroughly awesome, and I very much enjoy reading some books I’ve never read before.  Esther stood out to me in a big way, soooooo, give it a read.  I’m still battling the feeling of it being homework, so continued prayer for that would be much appreciated.  Actually, prayer in general for the reading plan would be greatly appreciated.  You know, actually prayer in general for me would be appreciated, which brings me to my next topic…

Unemployment

Yep.  Still unemployed.  Working for Bethel Security once a week and collecting unemployment benefits.  If you know anyone needing someone with a physics degree, send them my way.  Please pray that God would provide for me somehow in the months to come.

What’s new in music…

Well I’ll start with music I’m personally involved with.  My band The Poor and the Prevalent is going into the studio in less than two weeks to record a new single for our label’s 25 year anniversary compilation CD.  Me and our other guitarist, Hunter, have been writing the song on and off for probably five months.  Yeah.  We write slow.  Well, Peter and Hunter are coming back to town over spring break so we made sure to book time to record.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited about recording a single song.  We really wanted to push ourselves, and we’re doing just that.  I’ve done more work with Reason that I’ve ever done before.  The song is an epic in itself, clocking in at about 5:26.  Expect thunderous electric drums blended with Darin’s acoustic kit, ambient sounds aplenty, a plethora of TREOS influenced tapping guitars, a real string quintet, and complex vocals.  Complex is a very good word to describe the song.  There are a lot of layers, and it should have staying power by revealing something new each listen.  I can’t wait to get into the studio to record, which should be even more fun this time because we’re recording in our label’s new studio they built since we recorded Decline and Fall. Exciting!

Unfortunately, there hasn’t been much out there as far as new music I’m interested in, with a couple exceptions:

1. Emery’s new album “We Do What We Want”
2. My Purevolume-aided discovery of the band The Paper Melody

The new Emery album will undoubtedly be great, but with the news that co-frontman Devin Shelton will be taking an indefinite hiatus, I fear the band won’t ever be the same Emery I know and love.  Judging by their new tracks, they will still have all the ingredients that made Emery great, except one: the ability to have simultaneous lead vocal lines, which was something that made me fall in love with Emery in the first place.  I sure hope the hiatus turns out to be short lived.  Really looking forward to the album regardless.

I was working on our track the other day and I just needed to take a break so I hopped over to Purevolume.com and came across this band on the front page called The Paper Melody.  If I’m honest, I clicked on them because they have a girl in the band, and I kinda have a soft spot for cute girls who love and make music.  I clicked to watch their new music video, not knowing what to expect, and was completely blown away.  I didn’t expect to hear what I could describe as a seamless blend between The Receiving End of Sirens, VersaEmerge, and Chiodos; a heavy hitting, melodic, ambient and orchestral mix that won me over instantly.  When I checked their influences and found TREOS listed, well, I was pretty much hooked.  The music video for a song called “The Nightmare Academy” was so clever and fun, so I decided to listen to the rest of the music they had uploaded and liked every single one.  As I began listening to the song “Adam and Eve” the word “altruistic,” which perked my ears because a prominent place I remember seeing that word was in the game Bioshock.  Paying closer attention to the lyrics, hearing “You built this city in the depths” and talk of a “city in the sea,” I realized this band had written a song about Rapture, the fictional underwater city from the video game.  At this moment this little band from Yuba City, CA became one of my favorite bands.  Any band that loves TREOS and Bioshock is awesome in my book.  Naturally, I had to buy their first EP, Conducting the Motion, and was again impressed with what I heard.  The TREOS influence was evident everywhere, and the knack they had for replicating that kind of atmospheric ambiance was impressive.  The haunting vocals at the start of “Marionette” drew me in, and the TREOSian tactic of using common lines between different songs was present as well.  The piano that starts the song “Gates” is infectious, and I relished the multiple voices layering each other, which is especially prevalent in the closing track “Synopsis: The Dream.”  It is an exceptional EP and is deep up my musical alley (that sounded like a euphemism, but it wasn’t.)  I highly recommend it, and I am eagerly awaiting the release of their new EP The Nightmare Academy in 10 long days.  Sincerely hope they can make it up to Minnesota sometime.  I read that they toured with VersaEmerge a while ago.  Shoot, if I had known then what I know now I wouldn’t have missed that show for the world.  Actually I don’t even know if that tour came to Minnesota, soooooo tough break.

Geckos

My geckos are doing fine.  They aren’t really growing that fast, but hey, they’re like six months old and live around 20 years, so they’re in no rush.  Still, looking forward to when I can handle them without having to be super careful of not crushing them.

Here’s the latest adorable picture of Morgan:

Morgan lying on his back in my palm

Well I think that’s a good general update.  Covered a lot of ground.  Who knows when I’ll write a blog again, so enjoy this while you can!

Tell me that I’m a fool
that I’m exaggerating the situation
’cause I’ve never been scared like this
of losing more than I have to give
It’s so unfair I believed I could handle this
I swore I could fix everything

But I can’t take my eyes off of you…

And we were still so cool
Our bodies smooth and young
The dreams of getting older
Were never supposed to come
The curse of perfect days
You forget just what you make
And you find yourself just praying
There’s something more than this life…
Something more than this life…

It’s so unfair I thought I could handle this
I swore I could fix anything
We believed we’d have our way
(And we did, and we did!)
The memories we have made
Every day was the best day of my life
I could never reclaim what I owe
(Or replace what we owe)
And even though I read the ending
Before the start
I would have never changed
A single part…

Tell me I’m a fool
Tell me I’m just scared
Say I’m such a drama queen
It’s not even fair
Let me see your eyes
The love that’s right behind
And I’ll promise you
That it will never die…
It will never die…

We were still so cool
Our bodies smooth and young
The dreams of getting older
Were never supposed to come
The curse of perfect days
You forget just what you make
And you find yourself just praying
That there’s something more than this life…
Oh we’re so much more than this life…

Curse of Perfect Days – Emery

Bravo, Emery, bravo!

I finished my first week on the Slow-Carb diet.

Early observations:

• I have to eat a lot more food at each meal than I would expect/am used to
• Even eating more food, I find myself hungry about an hour or two after eating
• In general I am finding that I have more energy and just plain feel better most of the time
• Due to the amount of food required to eat, this diet is proving fairly expensive
• I love the cheat day
• I hate the cheat day

Today was the first cheat day, and I really went for it.  My breakfast consisted of Swiss Cake Rolls, Keebler Jumbo Fudge Sticks, and Jones Green Apple Soda.  It was delicious.  The only thing remotely sweet I had had the entire week was a glass of lemonade Crystal Light that I had yesterday.  My tongue danced with delight upon tasting something sweet.  For lunch today I went out with my friends from church to Famous Dave’s and had a Texas Manhandler with fries and a dessert.  So good.  After that we went over to our friend Adam Burton’s house and watched the NFC and AFC championship games.  Both the teams that I wanted to win won each game, so I was happy.  While there, I had some Pringles, Chex Mix, and Sour Patch Kids.  Then we ordered pizza.  I had five slices.  Then I came home and tried to get rid of as many Swiss Cake Rolls and those Fudge Sticks that I could so I wouldn’t have to look at them all week.  I also drank two more Jones sodas.  I’ve probably had WAYYYY too many calories today, but that’s what I was supposed to do.  It was good to eat junk, and I succeeded in what the author of the diet said to do: eat so much junk that you don’t want to even look at it the rest of the week.  Mission: accomplished.  I’m craving my healthy food and drinking just water/tea/coffee again.

I don’t have a scale, so tracking weight loss is gonna be kind of hard to do.  I have an estimated start weight, and I’m going to be taking weekly photographs of my physique until I’ve lost the weight I’m aiming to lose and then I’ll post them all in a blog so you can see the transition.

Today was fun, but it was also kind of a tough/frustrating/generally-life-draining day for reasons I couldn’t begin to explain.  This blog is really helpful for me to vent and get out my frustrations with the world, but there are some topics and issues that are to be kept secret because either they’ll either reveal something I have no desire for anyone else to know or they’re on sensitive subject matter that I don’t want certain people to know about.  I’m allowed to keep some things secret.  It’s just frustrating because I want so badly to vent about it but I’m not going to do it here.  Maybe if I kept a personal journal.  I kind of do, but I haven’t written in it for close to a year.  Maybe I’ll pick it up one of these days.  Maybe not.

Meh.

I’m kind of angry that I have Bruno Mars stuck in my head right now.  One reason I hate mainstream music is because I swear there is some secret algorithm they use when they write the song that makes it attach to your brain like a remora… or cancer.  Probably cancer.  Cheap tactics, mainstream music writers, very cheap…

And thank you for getting that song stuck in my head.  You know who you are…

That “thank you” was sarcastic.

Today was my first day on the Slow-Carb Diet, and let me say, I did not go hungry!  I think that’s my favorite thing about this diet, besides the one-day-off-per-week thing: if you’re hungry, eat.  It’s not about starving yourself, it’s just about eating the right things.  I like that.

Here’s what I had for breakfast:  two organic brown eggs, supplemented with organic egg whites, fried in butter and laid over a bed of spinach.  Topped with salsa.  A pork cutlet fried in olive oil and seasoned.  A side of cottage cheese.  A cup of English Breakfast tea (which has been most soothing to the sore throat I’ve had for the past three days.)

It was delicious.  I think I’ll try to lock in this meal with little variation as my breakfast.

For lunch I sautéed some onions in olive oil and then fried and seasoned some grass-fed beef cuts.  Also had some steamed vegetables and black beans.  Too much black beans.  I’m going to use less next time.  I’m not very fond of them plain, and ended up mixing the onions with them to improve the flavor.

The beef was delectable, and the vegetables were quite good.  I kinda forced down the beans, but I did what was necessary to get my legume intake!

Dinner was simpler.  I worked 3pm-11pm today so I had to pack a basic dinner.  Ended up making a robust salad with romaine lettuce, spinach, broccoli, carrots, snap peas, chicken, and Italian dressing.  I also brought some cottage cheese as well.  It all mixed together quite nicely.  I don’t have a picture of it, so use your imagination!

I had a cup of Yerba Mate tea when I got home to try and soothe this pesky sore throat, but it’s still as painful as ever.  I also filtered my cold press coffee into the growler.  Looking forward to that in the morning.

I need a new car battery.

I’ve been listening to the band Decoder’s self-titled new album.  It’s quite good.  It’s made up of ex-members of Oceana, Of Machines, and VersaEmerge… three bands I am quite fond of.  I can definitely hear the Oceana and Of Machines influence.  The VersaEmerge one isn’t so easy to pinpoint.  It’s good, though, and I recommend it.

Rise Records really has a good lineup of bands, and today they announced the addition of Memphis May Fire.  If you don’t know them, you should.  Look them up right now.

Anyways, I need to do my Bible reading and go to bed.

Falling from the sky, day one
You never learned to fly
Falling into the ocean, day seven
You never learned to swim
Sinking to the bottom of the ocean, day twenty
How could you see the bottom?
Sinking to the bottom of the ocean, day one hundred
Day one hundred, day one hundred…

Falling From the Sky: Day Seven – Norma Jean

What I mean by that line, which is probably the most repeated and iconic line from the TREOS album Between the Heart and the Synapse, is that tonight, today, Sunday, January16th, 2011, is the last day in this body.  Tomorrow, I am starting the Slow-Carb diet, and continuing my daily Bible reading.  I’m throwing away my old self and becoming something new.  I know I can’t get a blank slate, but I’m looking at this as a fresh start.  I’m taking control back from… myself.  With the love and support of all those praying for me, and the everlasting promise that my God is with me, I’m reclaiming my body from the laziness, indiscipline, gluttony, indifference, and sinfulness that has clung to it like a pestilential scab.  I want to transform it into a healthy temple as my response to His faithfulness.  With this I go forth, into the unknown.  It won’t be easy, and it won’t necessarily be fun, but what’s necessary isn’t always fun, and the rewards will be worthwhile.

So long, former self!

Guess what?  There’s a TREOS song for this very situation!  It’s their probably most well-known song, and their bassist Brendan Brown had this to say about it:
“If anything I would say I live by the standards I set for myself and strive to obtain them daily. This is where the lyric ‘This is the last night in my body.’ comes from. It was and is about being unsatisfied with how I am living and vowing to my self to never just settle or accept the way I am living.”

I felt it necessary to attach the lyrics and YouTube link:

Planning a Prison Break by The Receiving End of Sirens

Warden’s calling for a lock-down, baby
He’ll call  on interim iniquities
This is the last night in my body
Assist in the escape…
Warden’s calling for a jailbreak baby,
so he’ll fly like only a jailbird could

“Make a clean getaway”, he said
with his arms outstretched
to nurse her neck
She lured him in
with a masochistic kiss
and he wished he could
be anywhere but here

Warden’s calling for a lock-down, baby
He’ll call  on interim iniquities
This is the last night in my body
Assist in the escape…
Warden’s calling for a jailbreak baby,
so he’ll fly like only a jailbird could

Arm in arm we walk outside so that all we’ve
done was not in vain
Somehow for now this skin will have to do
This is the last night in my body.

Warden’s calling for a lock-down, baby
He’ll call  on interim iniquities
This is the last night in my body
Assist in the escape…
Warden’s calling for a jailbreak baby,
so he’ll fly like only a jailbird could

Arm in arm we walk outside so that all we’ve
done was not in vain
Somehow for now this skin will have to do
This is the last night in my body.

This is the last night in my body, yeah…

I’ve grown sick and tired of being the person I have grown to hate throughout the years of my life.  I detailed who “the person” I have become and why I hate him here.  I simply can’t live like this anymore, and I’m not going to sit around and wait for change that isn’t going to happen.  My current self isn’t motivated toward change.  He would rather sit idle, growing into the depraved, gelatinous blob he is coming to resemble.  People have said “how can you view yourself so negatively? Keep in mind that God created you just the way you are and He loves you.”  Well, yes and no.  God does love me no matter what I look like, but he didn’t make me into who I am.  I did.  I brought myself here through sins and disobedience.  I believed I could control my life and be a good person.  Belief was enough.  I didn’t have to actually follow Christ.  I mean, I’m a basically good person right?  I thought about that question and realized: no, I’m not.  I’m embarrassed by what I’ve become.  For me to go on living and not change isn’t returning the love He gives me.  I can no longer live as I have knowing God loves me no matter what and using that excuse to not better myself.

I’ve never in my life read through the entire Bible.  To claim sola Scriptura and to have not read it in its entirety is shameful.  Three days ago, I started the M’Cheyne Bible Reading Plan, which brings you through a reading the entire Old Testament once and the New Testament and the Psalms twice throughout the course of a year.  Having a structured plan laid out is the only way I’m going to actually read through the Bible in a year.  I need structure for this kind of thing.  Admittedly, it’s going to feel a lot like homework for awhile.  I’m doing it as an act of obedience, and I’d be lying if I told you it’s really what my heart desires, but I believe desire will follow after obedience.  So, for now, I’m forcing myself to do it.  I humbly ask for your prayers that God will sustain me and enable me to complete this task, and also that He will spark a desire in my heart and a longing for Him, and pray that He will provide me with discipline.

This is going to require copious amounts of discipline, and I think it will be helpful to me during this reading to become disciplined in another area of my life.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve been considerably overweight.  So overweight, in fact, that my attempts at being active and exercising only result in injury because my body is too big to support itself.  I expressed my frustration over this in that previous post I linked to.  I had been reluctant to attack this issue from another angle, but that time has come.  My good friend Peter Larson brought to my attention something called the Slow-Carb Diet.  I’ve been soooooooo against dieting for simple fact that I love food and I love to eat.  However, this love is interfering with my health, and this diet is something I think I can really pull off.  It’s going to be brutal, and it’s not meant to be fun, but it certainly has its rewards, both in the long run and weekly.  A synopsis of the diet can be read here.  Many facets of this diet entice me.  For one, it’s not a diet in which you starve yourself.  It’s simply a diet where you eliminate foods that cause you to gain weight, and continue eating proteins and slow carbohydrates.  Parts of it will be difficult: no bread/grains/pasta, no sugar, no fruit (frowny face).  I have been paying attention to what I eat in preparation for this diet to see just how much my eating will change.  I think almost everything I’ve eaten in the past few days is off limits.  There will be some adjusting, but it doesn’t mean it has to taste bad.  Meat is still fair game, as are all vegetables, as well as beans and eggs.  You’re even allowed a can of diet soda a day.  I hate diet soda, so that shouldn’t be too hard to limit myself to, and it will help with my sweet fix.  But the best part of this diet comes at the end of every week.  You see, one day a week, you’re supposed to break all of the rules of the diet.  This ensures that your metabolic rate doesn’t downshift from extended caloric restriction.  It’s sort of the same concept as muscle confusion in working out, something that P90X made into a household term.  Essentially, it doesn’t let your body get into a rhythm.  By eating whatever I want one day a week, I’m keeping my body on its toes and not letting it slip into a groove.  Yes, in this diet, eating like crap one day a week can actually increase fat loss!  Peter started the diet this past Monday.  Tomorrow (Saturday) is his first Dieters Gone Wild day, and he tells me he’s looking forward to drinking coke and eating candy.  On my DGW days, I’ll probably down full bottles of Gold Peak sweet tea and eat fruit like the dickens.  I’m setting my DGW days up to be on Sundays because those are the days I usually will go out to eat after church, so that gives me the ability to eat at Famous Dave’s or eat my mom’s delicious food at her house and have it be encouraged by the diet.  So, this Sunday, I’m going grocery shopping.  I’m putting the remainders of my current food in a Sunday box and putting it away.  I think having the cross-discipline between eating right and reading my Bible religiously (see what I did there?) will be beneficial and help me keep disciplined across the board.

Again, this is just the beginning.  I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can say I’m even a respectable person, but I’m being obedient and making progress.  Spending time in the word and improving the condition of my temple of the Holy Spirit will be a form of worship, thus bringing more motivation to persevere.  I implore anyone reading this to keep me in your prayers during this year, as I will be leaning heavily on the mercy of God to make this all possible!

In my reading today I came across a verse I would like to share.

Acts 4:11-12
“This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone.  And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.“

Thank you, friends, and go with God.

I’ve heard it argued on both sides: take any job you can get if the pay is right, and conversely, take a job you will love… would you rather get good pay and be miserable?  At this point, I don’t know the answer, but the last thing I’m going to do is trust what other people say.  Hell, they’re the ones who got me into this mess with their deception in the first place.  They’ve lost that privilege in my book.  I’m going to do what I think is best, because you simply can’t trust other people.  I’m hardly worthy of the trust I put in myself, but I’ve been let down by the insight of others enough times that putting trust in myself over other people is a no-brainer.  In actuality, I’m not so much putting trust in myself as I am putting my trust in God.  I don’t know how long he wants to keep me in this season of life.  I sure hope not much longer, but when He sees fit, that job will be provided.

It seems almost counter-intuitive to trust in something intangible rather than yourself, but it’s out of necessity rather than preference.  People, in general and including myself, are simply not trustworthy.  We have such limited knowledge and wisdom that we do not deserve to be given that trust.  We’ll just muck it up, and we never fail to fail.  There’s only one being in this universe worthy of trust, and that is the Creator God.  Logically, the holder of all power and wisdom is the only authority worthy of being trusted.  I’m sure people will retort this, saying “If people ask and believe, God will enter into their hearts.  Is that then not enough reason to trust them?”  No.  It isn’t.

I believe.  I’ve asked God into my heart.  However, this does not magically transform me into a creature who is without sin, who gains infinite knowledge and wisdom.  I sin every day.  My knowledge is so extraordinarily limited, my wisdom so nearsighted, that it becomes apparent to me that in God alone shall we put our trust.  It’s written on our currency, the words “In God We Trust.”  I’m sure for the overwhelming majority of Americans, that is just a nice trinket of religious rhetoric leftover from our predecessors, but to think about the statement: in God we trust.  In Him we find our confidence.  Of Him, we can be sure.

I’d be sinning, by way of lies, if I said that this was an easy thing.  I have struggled with nary a thing more difficult than trusting God because I am a control freak.  So much of my control-freakism comes from my instinct to trust in myself and no one else.  My instincts tell me to be independent.  But I have to deny myself and trust in God.  After all, I’m one in billions of people that he has created.  What would I know?  Logically, which is apparently what my scientific brain is supposed to adhere to, to trust in anything or anyone other than God is foolishness.  This is something I have to remind myself of everyday.

There are certain people very close to me in whom I have put some amount of trust because I know they truly care for me and want what’s best for me.  This is pretty exclusive to immediate family and my closest, closest friends.  So I’m sorry, but if you’re not in that small contingent, you do not have my trust, and if I’m not in yours, frankly I wouldn’t give any trust to me.

Trust is a currency that we should keep very close to the chest.  There is only one bank in which we can confidently and safely deposit this currency, and that’s in the Almighty.  Other than that, I suggest being extremely selective of who you put your trust in, and those who you don’t, take everything they say with a grain of salt and a dash of skepticism.

These body parts are parts of plans, passed by my hands, my hands, my hands shake through handshakes, forsaken by limbs.  My limbs sing the hymns, the hymns of a tyrant in a crumbling pantheon, as inhabitants will raise their fists and bid him to disarm.  Check my vitals.  The truth is vile but vital to this cause.  I’ve been held hostage, a captive of this passive shell.  Give me gravity, give me clarity, give me something to rely on…
This Armistice – The Receiving End of Sirens