The Hammer of Thor

Today is the day where everything came crashing down.  The rose-colored glasses shattered.  Naivety got the best of me.  I don’t know how I believed that everything in reality would work out the way I had played it in my head.  I foolishly assumed everything would work out on its own.  I never questioned my academic decisions and the career path I had chosen.  It was all going to work out in the end.  No real reason for that assumption.  My fear for change has crippled my future.

I could have gone to Madison for mechanical engineering as an undergraduate and possibly continued on for grad school, at least setting myself up to be more attractive to the job market.  But no.  I didn’t want to leave Minnesota.  Why?  Why did I insist on staying here?  What is there here that makes staying so worth it?  So I went and struggled through college and obtained a BS in physics with a mediocre 3.28 GPA.  A degree that apparently isn’t going to get me where I want to go, where I intended to go.  My plan to go to graduate school came crashing down when I found out I most likely won’t get funding if I want to study design, which is definitely what I want to study.  I can’t afford to add another $48,000 over two years in student loans to my already substantial $52,000+ debt.  So while at work for my internship at Xcel Energy today, having finished everything that needed to be done that day yet sticking around to get my full 8 hours in, I did some job searching.  Turns out, you have to have 2+ years experience for any job worth working or any job reasonably within my interest.  Why did I just assume I would leave college and glide right into the ideal job of my choosing?  So here’s my reality: I have three options.  A.) I work an entry level job doing something unrelated to anything I intended when I went to school for my degree, and most likely dislike what I do.   B.)  Go to Madison for graduate school in mechanical engineering with an emphasis I’m not interested in and don’t want to do, but POSSIBLY hook a research assistantship with some funding, or C.)  Go to Madison for graduate school in mechanical engineering with a design emphasis, receive no funding and rack up a total of over $100,000 in student loan debt, hopefully landing a good enough job to pay off the debt before I die.  Talk about your lose-lose-lose situation.  No matter what I do, I’m going to be either unhappy and paying off loans for the rest of the foreseeable future, or potentially happy but paying off loans for much longer than the foreseeable future, with no guarantee of a job anyways.  Why did I believe this would all work out?  It’s such foolish, immature naivety to think everything would be smooth sailing.  Making the “smart” choice isn’t always the right one, I suppose.

Reality is in and of itself a bleak, sad reality.  Why do I feel so forgotten?  God said he would never abandon me but it doesn’t feel like He comes around much anymore.  Old friends have moved on with their lives, seemingly only keeping touch with those who have done as they have and gotten married or engaged.  Living on the assumption that I would be moving away has left me with few meaningful relationships, as I preferred not to get so attached that leaving the state would be painful.  Everyone else seems so happy.  Like either their rose-colored glasses are still in place, willingly or unwillingly, or they were fortunate enough to make right choices instead of self-defined “smart” ones.  Or perhaps they just don’t care.  They’re too carefree to be burdened by the weight of the world.  But I can’t bring myself not to care. I can’t.  I have too many responsibilities.  Responsibilities to my future family.  I took this path because I believed it would give them a better life.

Maybe I’ve been too selfish.  Maybe my own happiness isn’t important.  Maybe I should just work the best job I can hook, no matter how much I loathe every minute of it.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  I don’t want maybe, I want to know what to do.  But I don’t know, and I can’t hear God’s voice, and trusting and believing what other people have told me is what’s gotten me here.  I bought into their claims.  Claims that getting this education will set me for life, will have me up to my neck in jobs.  Claims that getting funding for a Master’s degree is a lock if pursuing engineering.

So who do I believe.  I can’t believe in others.  I can’t believe in myself.  I want to believe in what God has for me but He won’t tell me what it is… that or I won’t listen.

I’m trapped.

I don’t like reality.

Give me my rose-colored glasses back.