I am a 23-year old physics graduate of Bethel University in Minnesota. The first day of freshman year, my friend Elizabeth gave me the nickname "Thor." It caught on, and many people to this day still refer to me as Thor, even some of my former professors. Some people hate nicknames, I chose to embrace it. Ever since I can remember, I've had an undying love and passion for music, and this blog is where I go to talk about it. I play guitar and sing in the band I’ve had enough.
I’ve grown sick and tired of being the person I have grown to hate throughout the years of my life. I detailed who “the person” I have become and why I hate him here. I simply can’t live like this anymore, and I’m not going to sit around and wait for change that isn’t going to happen. My current self isn’t motivated toward change. He would rather sit idle, growing into the depraved, gelatinous blob he is coming to resemble. People have said “how can you view yourself so negatively? Keep in mind that God created you just the way you are and He loves you.” Well, yes and no. God does love me no matter what I look like, but he didn’t make me into who I am. I did. I brought myself here through sins and disobedience. I believed I could control my life and be a good person. Belief was enough. I didn’t have to actually follow Christ. I mean, I’m a basically good person right? I thought about that question and realized: no, I’m not. I’m embarrassed by what I’ve become. For me to go on living and not change isn’t returning the love He gives me. I can no longer live as I have knowing God loves me no matter what and using that excuse to not better myself.
I’ve never in my life read through the entire Bible. To claim sola Scriptura and to have not read it in its entirety is shameful. Three days ago, I started the M’Cheyne Bible Reading Plan, which brings you through a reading the entire Old Testament once and the New Testament and the Psalms twice throughout the course of a year. Having a structured plan laid out is the only way I’m going to actually read through the Bible in a year. I need structure for this kind of thing. Admittedly, it’s going to feel a lot like homework for awhile. I’m doing it as an act of obedience, and I’d be lying if I told you it’s really what my heart desires, but I believe desire will follow after obedience. So, for now, I’m forcing myself to do it. I humbly ask for your prayers that God will sustain me and enable me to complete this task, and also that He will spark a desire in my heart and a longing for Him, and pray that He will provide me with discipline.
This is going to require copious amounts of discipline, and I think it will be helpful to me during this reading to become disciplined in another area of my life. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been considerably overweight. So overweight, in fact, that my attempts at being active and exercising only result in injury because my body is too big to support itself. I expressed my frustration over this in that previous post I linked to. I had been reluctant to attack this issue from another angle, but that time has come. My good friend Peter Larson brought to my attention something called the Slow-Carb Diet. I’ve been soooooooo against dieting for simple fact that I love food and I love to eat. However, this love is interfering with my health, and this diet is something I think I can really pull off. It’s going to be brutal, and it’s not meant to be fun, but it certainly has its rewards, both in the long run and weekly. A synopsis of the diet can be read here. Many facets of this diet entice me. For one, it’s not a diet in which you starve yourself. It’s simply a diet where you eliminate foods that cause you to gain weight, and continue eating proteins and slow carbohydrates. Parts of it will be difficult: no bread/grains/pasta, no sugar, no fruit (frowny face). I have been paying attention to what I eat in preparation for this diet to see just how much my eating will change. I think almost everything I’ve eaten in the past few days is off limits. There will be some adjusting, but it doesn’t mean it has to taste bad. Meat is still fair game, as are all vegetables, as well as beans and eggs. You’re even allowed a can of diet soda a day. I hate diet soda, so that shouldn’t be too hard to limit myself to, and it will help with my sweet fix. But the best part of this diet comes at the end of every week. You see, one day a week, you’re supposed to break all of the rules of the diet. This ensures that your metabolic rate doesn’t downshift from extended caloric restriction. It’s sort of the same concept as muscle confusion in working out, something that P90X made into a household term. Essentially, it doesn’t let your body get into a rhythm. By eating whatever I want one day a week, I’m keeping my body on its toes and not letting it slip into a groove. Yes, in this diet, eating like crap one day a week can actually increase fat loss! Peter started the diet this past Monday. Tomorrow (Saturday) is his first Dieters Gone Wild day, and he tells me he’s looking forward to drinking coke and eating candy. On my DGW days, I’ll probably down full bottles of Gold Peak sweet tea and eat fruit like the dickens. I’m setting my DGW days up to be on Sundays because those are the days I usually will go out to eat after church, so that gives me the ability to eat at Famous Dave’s or eat my mom’s delicious food at her house and have it be encouraged by the diet. So, this Sunday, I’m going grocery shopping. I’m putting the remainders of my current food in a Sunday box and putting it away. I think having the cross-discipline between eating right and reading my Bible religiously (see what I did there?) will be beneficial and help me keep disciplined across the board.
Again, this is just the beginning. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can say I’m even a respectable person, but I’m being obedient and making progress. Spending time in the word and improving the condition of my temple of the Holy Spirit will be a form of worship, thus bringing more motivation to persevere. I implore anyone reading this to keep me in your prayers during this year, as I will be leaning heavily on the mercy of God to make this all possible!
In my reading today I came across a verse I would like to share.
Acts 4:11-12
“This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.“
Thank you, friends, and go with God.
Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: currency, God, job hunting, philosophy, thoughts, trust
I hate job hunting. It is one of the most frustrating and draining things in the world. Every time I job hunt, I get myself pumped up and optimistic about it, like “today is the day where I’ll find the perfect posting for the perfect job!” This quickly shifts to “today, I’ll find a job that my education and experience fits,” and then, again, shifts to “today, I’ll be lucky if I find a job that I have the credentials for” or “today, I’ll be lucky if I find one job even remotely close to what my education and experience has prepared me for.” It’s life-sucking to, day after day, spend time looking for a job and realizing there aren’t any for you. Oh there’s jobs aplenty out there, but none for you. There’s nothing entry-level for a physics major with a math background that isn’t either “technical sales” (a.k.a. I’d be miserable because I hate sales) or something completely unrelated to anything I’m interested in.
I’ve heard it argued on both sides: take any job you can get if the pay is right, and conversely, take a job you will love… would you rather get good pay and be miserable? At this point, I don’t know the answer, but the last thing I’m going to do is trust what other people say. Hell, they’re the ones who got me into this mess with their deception in the first place. They’ve lost that privilege in my book. I’m going to do what I think is best, because you simply can’t trust other people. I’m hardly worthy of the trust I put in myself, but I’ve been let down by the insight of others enough times that putting trust in myself over other people is a no-brainer. In actuality, I’m not so much putting trust in myself as I am putting my trust in God. I don’t know how long he wants to keep me in this season of life. I sure hope not much longer, but when He sees fit, that job will be provided.
It seems almost counter-intuitive to trust in something intangible rather than yourself, but it’s out of necessity rather than preference. People, in general and including myself, are simply not trustworthy. We have such limited knowledge and wisdom that we do not deserve to be given that trust. We’ll just muck it up, and we never fail to fail. There’s only one being in this universe worthy of trust, and that is the Creator God. Logically, the holder of all power and wisdom is the only authority worthy of being trusted. I’m sure people will retort this, saying “If people ask and believe, God will enter into their hearts. Is that then not enough reason to trust them?” No. It isn’t.
I believe. I’ve asked God into my heart. However, this does not magically transform me into a creature who is without sin, who gains infinite knowledge and wisdom. I sin every day. My knowledge is so extraordinarily limited, my wisdom so nearsighted, that it becomes apparent to me that in God alone shall we put our trust. It’s written on our currency, the words “In God We Trust.” I’m sure for the overwhelming majority of Americans, that is just a nice trinket of religious rhetoric leftover from our predecessors, but to think about the statement: in God we trust. In Him we find our confidence. Of Him, we can be sure.
I’d be sinning, by way of lies, if I said that this was an easy thing. I have struggled with nary a thing more difficult than trusting God because I am a control freak. So much of my control-freakism comes from my instinct to trust in myself and no one else. My instincts tell me to be independent. But I have to deny myself and trust in God. After all, I’m one in billions of people that he has created. What would I know? Logically, which is apparently what my scientific brain is supposed to adhere to, to trust in anything or anyone other than God is foolishness. This is something I have to remind myself of everyday.
There are certain people very close to me in whom I have put some amount of trust because I know they truly care for me and want what’s best for me. This is pretty exclusive to immediate family and my closest, closest friends. So I’m sorry, but if you’re not in that small contingent, you do not have my trust, and if I’m not in yours, frankly I wouldn’t give any trust to me.
Trust is a currency that we should keep very close to the chest. There is only one bank in which we can confidently and safely deposit this currency, and that’s in the Almighty. Other than that, I suggest being extremely selective of who you put your trust in, and those who you don’t, take everything they say with a grain of salt and a dash of skepticism.
These body parts are parts of plans, passed by my hands, my hands, my hands shake through handshakes, forsaken by limbs. My limbs sing the hymns, the hymns of a tyrant in a crumbling pantheon, as inhabitants will raise their fists and bid him to disarm. Check my vitals. The truth is vile but vital to this cause. I’ve been held hostage, a captive of this passive shell. Give me gravity, give me clarity, give me something to rely on…
This Armistice – The Receiving End of Sirens
Filed under: Miscellaneous, Music | Tags: life, lyrics, rant, struggles, thoughts
I started writing a new set of lyrics today. I’m hoping they will take place of the ones I had started to write for the new song Hunter (my guitarist) and I are working on, the one that was originally about not having a topic to write about.
Well, I found a topic. I’m going to be transparent and speak plainly on this. I’ve gotten to a point where as I do some examination of self, I am really, sincerely unhappy and disappointed with what I see. It’s not simply a superficial thing, either. It covers all the pillars of who I am: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. I am happy with myself in none of those areas. Physically, I’ve never been in good shape, and I’ve kind of come to accept that I probably never will be. Every time I make an attempt to build an exercise regiment, I end up injured, costing my parents thousands of dollars in medical bills since I’m on their insurance until I find a real job. I have had two knee surgeries, a major shoulder reconstruction, and my other shoulder could use one too but needless to say I’m not chomping at the bit on that opportunity. Now I’ve been plagued with bad skin on my feet with several causes that has made walking painful. I’ve gotten used to dealing with constant dull pain my entire life (as I write this post, my repaired shoulder is aching considerably), but sharp pains still smart pretty bad. When I get stressed, I harbor tension behind one of my shoulder blades (today my left, which coupled with my shoulder pain feels just awesome.) My joints simply can not handle my 320ish pounds of weight, and when I try to work out to ease their burden, they give way and I get hurt. It’s lose-lose. It’s exceedingly frustrating. I really want a brand new body. Seriously. I’m so sick of this one. I feel like I got a lemon. Heaven can’t come soon enough. Oh. And I’m colorblind. I swear my body is just generally broken.
I let my emotions get the best of me all the time even though I swear otherwise. I have a very difficult time staying positive about things in general, and I consistently find myself leaning towards the cynical. While cynicism is a good strategy for acting like I don’t let it get to me, it’s also depressing at the same time. While I have a fairly good handle on my mind, my heart seemingly runs amok. I lie to myself that I can keep it reined in, but it’s becoming exceedingly clear how untrue that is. I have no heart-control. I find myself making rash decisions based on emotion and not on thought; it’s something I’ve personally spoken out against and claimed immunity from. I also get into doomsday mode real quick when my emotions go that direction. I just found out I probably can’t defer either of my two biggest student loans, putting my monthly payment at ~$550/mo. Add in rent, bills, gas, and food, and I’ll barely be able to make ends meet, if at all. Naturally, I feel like I’m handcuffed to a boulder being dropped into the ocean, and the huge weight of these loans is impossible to get out from under. I enter a state of despair. It’s all over, my financial future is ruined, my life is ruined, my parents’ financial future is ruined because they’re cosigners on my loans. Every time I job search, I get depressed at the lack of entry level jobs that I’m qualified for. I spend hours upon hours combing job boards and I’m lucky if I come up with one possible job. It’s exasperating and frustrating, and it gets me down. I wish I could have the ability to control my emotions and keep them in check when it hits the fan. But I don’t have control.
My mental incompetence has become glaringly evident to me lately as well. I honestly think my IQ has decreased consistently since I was younger. My common sense fails, I make stupid easy decisions, I don’t have the answers for any problems I encounter. It’s also become increasingly evident that I SUCK at communication. I thought I was “supposed” to be intelligent because I’m a physics major. Yeah, well, I’ll put those rumors to rest. To say I struggled through my curriculum as a physics major is a HUGE understatement. To this day, I can’t even say I understood 60% of what I “learned” at Bethel. So then I look at my credentials and consider what kind of responsibility I’d be given in a position that would provide adequately for my financial needs, I realize how unqualified I am for the jobs I’m looking for. It’s no surprise I haven’t been hired yet, or really even been given any interviews. Somehow, they know I can’t do it. When it comes to song writing, I get frustrated when I listen to bands I love and hear how creative they are and how much better they are at making music than I am. It’s so frustrating, and it makes me want to just give up for the day, which is usually what happens. My inspiration is gone. My creativity is gone. Everything is a result of forcing myself to do it, not drawing from true creativity or inspiration. I feel like my brain is an old computer with components that are slowly burning out one-by-one.
In fact, this is a good comparison. I feel like my self, my body, who I am, is a machine that is falling apart and breaking down. It’s deteriorating. Dying. And then I look to the ghost in the machine. The soul. My spiritual life has never been strong. If I had to describe it, I would put it like TREOS did in “Wanderers”: “I’ve learned to smolder, all smoke but no flame.” I’ve been in a spiritual rut for years upon years, and I haven’t figured out how to climb out of it. I’ve prayed about it, as well as you can pray when your spiritual life is cold and lifeless. I’ve turned to others asking how to get out of it, but what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for all. I’ve even turned to a pastor.
My life has ground to a sickening halt. I’ve found myself in a middle class rut. A ravine with steep walls and no footholds, and I can’t figure out how to get out of it. Hopefully this is just a season of my life, because I’ve been waiting years for the time when I’ll be happy with my life and myself. I think I’m not supposed to be happy; at least that’s not the point of life, obviously. But it surprises me how generally unhappy I’ve been throughout my life. It’s like I’ve been waiting for some good thing, I’m not sure what, for a long time and it hasn’t arrived. I feel like my life is waiting to begin, because these 23 years so far are NOTHING to write home about. They haven’t amounted to much. If I die tomorrow and at the pearly gates am asked “this was your life, what do you have to show for it?” I really wouldn’t have anything. All I could say is that I was raised to mostly follow the rules, as far as following rules in which I could get caught for breaking them. There’s plenty of rules I’ve broken out of the public eye. So there’s nothing. What do I have to show for my life?
I don’t have an answer. I don’t have any answers. I have a list of Sunday-school answers that I don’t know how to implement, such as “oh, well you just have to pray about it” and “oh, you just need to do it. Don’t try to do it, trying is having the intention to fail. Just do it!” (Nike, or something). All I know is that I’m aware I have a problem. I admit that I have a problem. Isn’t that the first step to some program? So I have a massive problem with no solution. And the problem is all that there is. It is life. Can you comprehend how frustrating that is for someone who studied science and wants to solve problems?
I think this might have shifted from self-deprecation to self-abasement.
I want to start life over. I feel like I’ve messed this one up beyond repair. The problem is, in life, there are no restarts. You can’t start over again.
I fear this rut is endless. This is reality. This is the rest of my life.
The new lyrics are tentatively titled “Denuo” which is Latin for “anew” because I want to start over, to be remade anew.
“Take me back to where I was before I was born… it’s like sweet and dreamless sleep. It sounds like heaven to me…”
Timothy – As Cities Burn
